This time, one week ago, I was in surgery. Time seems to drag on lately, yet I can’t believe that it has been a whole week. I’ve never been through this before, so I don’t know what “normal” looks like, but what I am going through is certainly not what I expected. I was asked the question this morning, “how are you feeling?” The answer is quite complex.
Physically, I am not in pain as much as discomfort. The implants were placed under my top pectoral muscle, so there is a general tightness in my chest. In addition, because we are waiting for gravity to do its thing, the implants are high and wide … so, I feel them under my armpits, and it is uncomfortable as well as wierd. Add to that the drain tubes that are stitched into each of my sides, and I think that explains why I would rather be sleeping than doing anything else.
The other physical aspect is just a general feeling of grossness. Now that the pain balls have come out, I can shower, but I cannot do everything myself, and it is quite an ordeal. While I would like to get back to my normal routine of showering daily, just thinking about it exhausts me. One of the reasons I chose to have the reconstruction at the same time as my mastectomies was so that I would look/feel normal. I didn’t expect my “breasts” to be perfect, but I was expecting more normal than this. It is hard. It is hard to look at – with or without clothes on – and it is certainly hard to face the reality as intimately as one does while showering. Even if I feel up to showering, both physically and mentally, I go back to putting on the same camisole top that I got in the hospital. It has velcro up the front and special interior pockets for my drains. Even though I have washed it, it is not flattering by any stretch of the imagination. So, I am left feeling … gross and unattractive.
I have already alluded to my mental/emotional state which is fragile at best. I must admit that I have gotten away from the habits of praying and spending time in The Word. Instead, I have retreated to my old escapes of sleep and television. Now, for those of you who know The Fredericks, you know that we don’t have but the basic channels … what we have instead is Netflix and Hulu+ which is much more dangerous in this situation. It took me only 2 days to complete the 5th and 6th season of Cake Boss … one after another … after another. The tears come at night, in the arms of my beloved, who does his best to comfort me. This will indeed be a long journey …
TREATMENT UPDATE: After the news that three of the five lymph nodes removed contained cancer cells, I called to make an appointment with my chosen oncologist and learned that her soonest available new patient appointment would be the 19th of this month. However, I heard back from her office today, and she has offered to come in early for a 10 AM appointment this Thursday. I’ll know more of what is to come after that.
The Frederick Follies 