I have been meaning to write since Thursday, but this secondary implant has been less than pleasant. It is inhibits my mobility and has made me uncomfortable in general. In addition to that, although the drains were a pain in their own way, I am accumulating fluid in my chest which is creating a different uncomfortable tightness as the primary implants make their way down to where they will eventually live. I’ve spent a great deal of time in bed over the last few days.
My last post was of a more light-hearted nature, and I had begun to compose it on Wednesday afternoon. By the time we got home from our Gospel Community meeting, I had something more substantial to write about, but I wasn’t ready. It has been on my mind ever since, but I have not been in the right frame of mind. It is another truth I have been avoiding. However, it is a truth that I had not even known myself until that evening.
Despite my current struggles, I have been blessed these last several weeks to see my husband begin to grow and change in his walk with The Lord. It has not been without its struggles, as he has tried to pull me along with him; the tables have turned, so to speak, as he has been acting as my Holy Spirit (something that I am guilty of doing to him in the past). It is certainly no secret that through this trial, I have made a conscious effort to accept it and suffer well. Still, until we were discussing Sunday’s passage in our gospel community, and Ruth so wisely commented that sometimes the purpose of a trial is to refine us in the fire, to extract the impurities and draw us closer to God. Until I heard that, I neither realized nor understood why I was so hostile to David’s suggestions that I spend my time praying, reading and studying the Word rather than playing games on my iPad and watching bad television.
It was in that moment … my immediate thought … I don’t want to be refined. I was holding on to my impurities with a death grip. As soon as that thought ran through my mind I realized why. I am mad at God. Outwardly, I have been trying so hard to be brave, strong and positive. I could not even let myself realize that I was angry with God. What kind of Christian gets mad at God? I think the answer is a ‘real’ one. I can sit here in my cancer bubble and melt down internally while pretending for everyone that I am some kind of perfect person on this amazing walk with The Lord who has all the right answers and does all the right things [Pharisee anyone?], or I can be honest and real. I can admit to all of you that I struggle because -despite the strength and depth of my faith- I am still a sinner. Being clothed in Jesus’ righteousness doesn’t make me perfect, it just makes me saved. It means that when God looks at me, He sees Jesus, and not the sinner that I struggle not to be.
When we are angry with our parents, do we love them any less? When our children are angry with us, do we turn them away? How much greater is God’s love for us …
As I continue to struggle with this, my greatest request right now is that you pray for me in this. Pray for my attitude towards this trial, towards my family and towards God.